This article is the written version of a talk I gave at Unity of Portland in late February. If you’d rather listen/watch it is 23 minutes long. The written article has been updated a bit but is nearly identical to the talk. If I may say so, this talk is pretty good and better than the written version.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the spiritual concepts of non-resistance and acceptance, in part because right now there is a lot going on in this world that feels unacceptable to me.
Many spiritual traditions hold that acceptance and non-resistance are profound spiritual principles, but these teachings haven’t gelled naturally for me because resistance has played a big role in my life. As a lifelong environmental activist, I have resisted efforts to destroy nature out of greed. Now, I’m very engaged in the effort to save democracy in this troubling time in our country. On Saturday, I, along with about nine million other Americans, participated in the pro-democracy No Kings 3 demonstrations. “Resist!” is a major rallying call at these events and in fact many refer to this millions-strong movement as, “The Resistance.”
In addition to resistance being part of my activism, I had the experience, like so many, of abusive parents and I sure as heck resisted them and refused to accept their actions.
So, in my lived experience I came to view resistance and non-acceptance as a badge of honor, part of my identity. However, over the past few years I’ve shifted and begun integrating these concepts and the paradoxes associated with them into my personal philosophy and way of moving through the world. This development has brought a lot of additional peace into my life.
Acceptance as spiritual principle is active, non-judgmental acknowledgment of reality, even the mess, that we are in the midst of. The spiritual principle of non-resistance is the practice of accepting the present moment without internal or external struggle, choosing peace over control to avoid amplifying conflict or negativity.
The tumblers started to click into place for me was when I realized acceptance and non-resistance are not passive. It’s not about just being resigned or submissive. Acceptance means not ignoring or denying the reality before us while staying non-reactionary in our consciousness. Also, importantly, acceptance does not mean letting go of striving for something better. It is about taking dominion of our minds and finding peace in how we work with the present moment and circumstances.
I’m finding it useful to apply this lens to different arenas in life, primarily in our own personal circumstances, in our relationships, and in the collective world situation.
PERSONAL LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES
I doubt there is a person in this building, or in fact in all of humanity, that hasn’t experienced wishing our life was different than what we were currently going through.
· There’s not enough money
· Job sucks
· Partner has an affair
· You have an accident and bust up your body or come down with a deadly disease
· You can’t stand your roommate
· Yada yada yada. There’s a lot to choose from.
The natural human instinct is to resist anything we don’t want in our lives, but when we do this, when we regret or resent, our minds begin to chatter, and often we create our own suffering for hours or days because we’re unhappy with the current situation.
Then of course there’s the PAST. Some terrible things happened that really set you back. You’re still in therapy to heal from the abuse. If only you hadn’t been born into poverty. If only you would have made a different decision at that time.
All of those things are legitimate, and hard.
But here’s the deal, the very best way to move beyond the undesired condition is to accept what is, what was, and release resistance to it. That way, you can be clear about what you can actually change.
You can’t change what’s right before you right now, even if it sucks. But you can change everything that happens going forward from here.
You can’t change the past, but you can change the stories you tell about it. What happened happened -- are you a victim or a victor? The pain is real and so is the fact that we have agency in whether we allow the pain to become ongoing suffering.
Here are some tools that have helped me step into a more peaceful state of acceptance and non-resistance.
· Surrender: Accepting what’s going on, letting go of attachments, and surrendering the need for control.
As many of you know a dozen years ago my life blew up in catastrophic fashion in public view. Resistance is not a strong enough word for what I was feeling at that time. Rage, hatred, an intense desire to wake up and find it was all just a nightmare, and chest crushing angry resistance when I did wake, right back into the mess before me.
A few months into this multi-year experience I began to surrender. That very term was a concept I resisted but I finally reached a point where I just couldn’t fight it all anymore. I was not going to be able to force the events in any certain direction or timeframe.
And here’s what shocked me, when I finally did surrender, I liked it! When I accepted that I was not going to be able to control the circumstances in my outer life I began to really focus on my inner life. It was the first time ever I’d stopped pushing so hard, working so hard, and just allowed myself to be worked on.
This surrender opened a portal for transformative change, not only in the direction I wanted my life to go post shake-up but also in how I move through it.
· Living in the Present: This is the greatest tool for fear management.
You might not know how you’re going to pay rent in three days or what the doctor’s diagnosis is going to be, but right now, in this moment, if you are reading this, you are safe. Remembering that calms our minds so that we can be more strategic in how we handle the challenge before us.
· Letting Go of Expectations: Releasing rigid, preconceived notions about how life should be or what the solution should look like allows for unforeseen opportunities to surface.
Here’s an important nuance, releasing expectations does not mean avoiding visualization or imagination, which are superpower tools in creating just about anything. The key is to focus on the desired outcome and stay open as to how it is going to come about. Focus on the what and be loose about the how.
When I was 21, I suffered a horrendous knee injury in a horse-related accident. It blew multiple ligaments, guillotined the joint capsule. I was right on the verge of getting a soccer scholarship, but the surgeon told me I likely would not run again.
I accepted that I was seriously injured and my timeline for college was going to be different than what I’d hoped. But I did not accept the doctor’s prognosis. I meditated and envisioned the joint healing, me running, playing soccer. As I moved through a brutal process of recovery, rehab, even additional surgeries, I stayed focused on the outcome I wanted and visualized my leg fully functional. Eighteen months later I got that scholarship.
I’ve effectively used the process of accepting the challenge before me, and visualizing the desired outcome countless times, as an athlete, an activist, in health and financial situations. I got to the point where I’d hold a vision and then say out loud, “I don’t know how, but it sure is going to be fun to see this get all worked out.”
RELATIONSHIPS
Another arena in which I’m finding acceptance to be most valuable is relationships. The simple, but often difficult truth is, we can’t change somebody else and we can’t save somebody from themselves. I’ve been given a profound classroom for this learning in the form of my nephew, son of my late sister.
I loved him from the moment I met him as an infant. I became a foster parent to get custody of him when he was 16, but couldn’t keep him off drugs, and he wound up in juvenile detention. Later, I supported him through a lengthy prison sentence and was there to scoop him up and bring him to live with me when he was released. Years, tears, many thousands of dollars later, he has continued to create chaos.
Because I love him and feel sick about the terrible childhood he endured, I have had a hard time not slipping into enabling behavior. It took many years, but I have now accepted that he too is a spiritual being on his own journey and I am not responsible for his journey. This doesn’t mean I don’t love him and I let him know that when I get the chance.
Detachment doesn’t mean you don’t love them; it means you’re not going to take false responsibility or get caught up in conflict and chaos stemming from their decisions.
The spiritual principle of acceptance also does not mean we accept people treating us badly. Non-resistance doesn’t mean you can’t say no. It means realizing it is not our job, or within our power, to change another person, and then taking actions to maintain our own safety and peace.
Forgiveness is another superpower. Letting go of grudges and resisting the urge to fight, gives us emotional freedom. Forgiveness does not mean saying what they did was OK. It is a declaration of power by saying, despite your actions, I am going to take my power and energy back.
THIS WILD AND CRAZY WORLD
Finally, how do we apply acceptance and non-resistance in this crazy world/society/the collective consciousness, we are all navigating right now?
As I shared above, I’m an activist. My heart breaks at a lot of what I see happening in our world and I want to do something to change it. Not surprisingly, applying the spiritual principles of acceptance and non-resistance to world affairs and politics has not come easily. However, I’ve mostly accepted that in this lifetime I am likely not going to be able to achieve my primary goal, which is to transform the entire global capitalist economy to one that is restorative to the planet and kind and fair to all people. Yes, I get that this is a big goal. I’ve also accepted that I probably won’t get to experience my greatest longing which is to be part of a human species that is a restorative, healthy force on all of nature. However, this acceptance doesn’t mean that I stop striving toward those outcomes. It doesn’t mean I stop envisioning them and affirming the possibility of achieving those ends.
Part of the reality before me, and you, and all of us, is that we are here in challenging times and we can either be an active force for good or not. I don’t know if everything happens for a purpose, but I do know we can make purpose of everything that happens.
Jesus embodied non-resistance all the way through, knowing he was going to face horrific torture and murder. And yet, he was not passive. He used his voice and his body to challenge authorities who were implementing harmful policies and actions. He overturned money lenders tables and called out hypocritical and destructive behavior. He did not, however, demonize the people behind those tables. He focused on the actions rather than attacking the actors. This is one aspect of embodying non-violent, non-resistance as an activist, or just when standing up to someone who is doing harm.
Overcoming with Good: Proactively responding to negativity or hostility with love, kindness rather than returning ugliness for ugliness.
When I’m engaged in protests and demonstrations and somebody flips me off or yells something mean, I blow them a kiss. This usually flusters them and they just turn away.
I hear so often, and I feel it myself, the stress of these times. The heartache and uncertainty around what is happening to America, in war zones, to this beautiful planet. This pain and grief is real. That means it is more important than ever to use spiritual practices like staying in the present moment, meditation, getting out into nature. We need to be diligent with caring for mental health so that we can stay strong and engaged.
It may be that what’s before us in these turbulent times, is not just a call to resist, but an opportunity to transcend to a higher level of consciousness and a world that works better for all beings.
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Life with Livvy and Micki Brown
I hear from many readers that you enjoy the updates on life with my wild and talented Border Collies, so I drop these in every now and then.
Olive and I just competed in the National Dog Agility Championships, which took place in Temecula, California. Micki came along as a sidekick and to gain exposure.
I was disappointed with our performance. Olive seemed in great form during the warmup run on Thursday, but that evening while going after a stick on hard, slick ground, all four feet slid out from under her, she flipped backward and landed hard on her back and head. She got up and just stood there for moments while I rushed to her. She was clearly in a bit of pain and rattled. Fortunately, she wasn’t limping and seemed to shake it off pretty quickly. That evening I massaged and stretched her and gave her some turmeric pain meds.
The next morning, she seemed physically fine, but at the start of our first competitive run she was stressed and a bit off. We had a qualifying run with 5 faults in round 1 and a clear run in round 3. I slightly mishandled the starting sequence of obstacles in round 2 and Olive was rattled and we had a no score.
I had expected to excel at this event because it was an outdoor venue and Olive has run really well in those conditions. However, it was also 100 degrees outside. I think she was a bit sore in her upper back from the fall and the heat exacerbated her stress. I was disappointed but mostly grateful to and for Olive for trying hard despite adversity.
I made sure to keep her on the pain chews and took her swimming a number of times which is her favorite thing and good medicine.
Micki was a champ with all the travel and getting exposed to the big energy of the Nationals. She also got to reunite with one of her brothers, but she wasn’t too sure she liked Indy’s pushiness.
We took our time getting home and at Redding, CA, cut across to Highway 101, the Redwood Highway. Shortly after the glorious Pacific came into view, we stopped for a run on Clam Beach. This was Micki’s first experience of the ocean and big, open beaches. She loved it as much as Olive always has. We camped for a couple days near Ophir Beach north of Gold Beach, Oregon. This was the first time camping in my beloved little trailer on the ocean and it was as great as I’d expected.
Here is the video of our round 1 Standard run.
And here is round 3 Hybrid. It’s a clean run but she is still off pace.
Here’s vid of the elk in our campsite. They’re about a hundred feet from my trailer. Loved this!
And here is one of my favorite beach runs with the girls.
In just a couple hours Olive will be getting a chiropractic and lasering treatment just to help with any lingering ouchiness. She enjoys these spa treatments though isn’t super crazy about the doggles she has to wear during the lasering.
